33 – The Year That Changed My Life

I could have never imagined what this year had in store for me. Up until this year, I thought I was thriving—succeeding at work, achieving my dreams, having my cake and eating it too. But transformation has a way of showing us how much we’ve yet to learn. This is the story of how burnout, childhood trauma, and an unexpected awakening changed my life forever. There have been three major phases of my transformation: Psychedelic Assisted Therapy with Ketamine, Positive Intelligence and unearthing my spiritual connection.

A Snapshot of Life Before the Burnout

Picture this: I’m married to the man of my dreams—not a fantasy, but the real-life version of a loving partner who supports the values of a fiercely independent, feminist woman in western culture. We live in a quiet suburb of Ottawa with our 8-year-old rescue pup, balancing work, travel, and quality time with a seemingly effortless rhythm. Financially secure, we enjoy life’s small luxuries, from premium economy flights to guilt-free indulgences, all without living extravagantly.

Our lives looked ideal. Yet beneath the surface, I felt as though I was anchored to the bottom of a rushing river—trapped, weighed down by invisible forces. My mind, far from being my ally, was actively working against me. Hidden in its currents were years of unresolved trauma, unhelpful thinking patterns, and perfectionism masquerading as protection.

The Breaking Point

The universe’s most profound lessons often come in disguise. For me, it arrived in the form of a major burnout. While burnout might seem like a feat to overcome on its own, it was only the tip of the iceberg. It spiraled into a full-blown mental breakdown, forcing me to confront the childhood wounds I’d spent my life avoiding.

I always thought I was above my trauma. I imagined trauma-affected adults as people who were emotionally dysregulated, unable to maintain healthy relationships, or trapped in cycles of addiction. That wasn’t me—or so I thought. I was successful, self-aware, and "thriving." What I didn’t realize was how insidiously my unresolved wounds were manifesting in my life.

Growing up, my father often told me I was destined for greatness. That belief fed my perfectionism and planted a saboteur that whispered, "You must achieve to be worthy." I carried this belief into adulthood, where it fueled an endless cycle of overachievement. My culture reinforced this pattern, rewarding my workaholism and telling me I was on the "right path."

The Cycle of Overachievement

My trauma didn’t look like addiction or relational chaos. Instead, it showed up as perfectionism, being a high-achiever with high expectations, a need for control and workaholism. The cycle was predictable: I’d start a new job feeling energized and passionate. Over time, I’d start to feel bored so I’d take on more responsibilities, piling on volunteer work or side projects to challenge myself further. I felt alive when I was firing on all cylinders.

But that pace was unsustainable. After months without rest, I would hit a wall. My body began sending distress signals—chronic tension in my neck and shoulders, unexplained joint pain, worsening sleep, and eventually, severe fatigue that left me feeling as though I’d crashed into a brick wall by noon each day. In this round of burnout my hormone levels plummeted into perimenopausal ranges.

When this heaviness showed up, I would double down, telling myself that there was no gain without pain, that if I just tweaked my time management skills just a little bit more, if I worked more efficiently, pushed a bit harder, that I would meet those expectations I set for myself. But this time, the burnout didn’t just expose cracks in my mental health—it shattered the foundation of everything I thought I knew about myself.

Childhood Trauma Revisited

For years, I told myself that my childhood had little impact on who I am today. I claimed to have "accepted" my past, but I hadn’t truly reckoned with it. The memories were neatly compartmentalized, tucked away where they couldn’t interfere with my carefully curated adult life. Or so I thought.

My perfectionism wasn’t just a personality trait—it was a survival mechanism shaped by my early experiences. I realized that my core belief—that love is conditional upon achievement—was driving my relentless pursuit of success. This belief wasn’t just about external validation; it also influenced how I loved myself. The harder I worked, the more deserving I felt.

The burnout forced me to confront these patterns head-on. It opened the door to truths I had long buried: truths about my parents’ struggles, my early interactions with love and trust, and the deep-seated fear that I was never enough.

Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy: A New Path

Psychedelics aren’t new to me. I’d already experienced the profound healing power of other medicines in years past. The first time I tried one, I experienced a comfort with my body that I didn’t know was possible. I felt a love for my body in all it’s beauty and felt comfortable to wear a crop top for the first time in public. This was a sneak peak into what I knew was possible.

 A spontaneous trip during a camping weekend in Calabogie a few years back completely transformed my relationship with food and my physical body. During this trip I experienced ego dissolution for the first time and had this positively overwhelming realization that I am not my body, and it’s merely a vessel of my soul. 

When I began ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, legal in Canada, I knew I was ready to confront the deeper layers of my trauma. The sessions were transformative. I unearthed long-forgotten memories and gained new perspectives on my parents’ choices and their impact on my life. Through this process I developed a new narrative of how I view my childhood. One of more compassion and understanding of my parents’ childhood experiences, boomer generation and knowing that they did the best they could. 

This breakthrough released years of pent-up tension. It was as if the pressure in a shaken bottle had finally been released. For the first time, I felt the space to explore who I could be without the constant need to achieve.

Positive Intelligence: Rewiring My Mind

During this transformative time, I also explored the Positive Intelligence (PQ) program, a mindfulness-based approach to identifying and managing unhelpful thinking patterns, or "saboteurs." My strongest saboteurs were the hyper-achiever, the controller, and the stickler. PQ taught me to notice these patterns and replace them with curiosity, compassion, and creativity.

The program uses foundational principles of mindfulness in terms of engaging the senses, self-compassion and inner child work for self-judgment, gaining an understanding of our saboteurs and skill development for activating our “sage mind” in response to the saboteur lies.

Before PQ, my mind was actively working against me a majority of the time and I often found myself in a mindset of worry, stress, frustration, irritation, impatience or judgement.

I am now confidently able to practice various skills to engage my sage mind and function from a place where my mind is serving me a majority of the time. Now more often than not, when a problem occurs, whether internal or external, I am able to approach it with a sense of curiosity, exploration of gifts or opportunities, empathy, calm, joy, compassion or innovation. 

This is no small feat as previously my mind was actively working against me, helping to explain why I felt in the fight or flight response most days.

Awakening to Spirituality

The third and perhaps most profound gift of this year was my awakening to spirituality. I began exploring the divine feminine, an energy I’ve come to see as the guiding force of the universe. This wasn’t a sudden epiphany but a slow, deep connection that grew as I healed.

Through practices like yoga, energy healing, and meditation, I came to understand how emotional patterns are stored in the body. Reconnecting with my heart Chakra was transformative. I realized that, for much of my life, I had intellectualized my emotions rather than truly feeling them. By unblocking this energy center, I discovered a newfound sense of trust, love, and connection with myself. Through this I have begun to explore “who am I?” without all the labels I use to describe myself.

Living in Alignment

The gift of this burnout is that it occurred at a time when all the stars seemed to align to create the perfect storm that revealed to me that I needed to address my childhood trauma and understand how the lessons of my childhood brought me to this moment.

I tip my hat to the divine feminine of the universe for providing me with this learning opportunity in my thirty third year. I was excited to turn 33 on May 29th this year because 3 is my favourite number, so I considered it to be my second champagne birthday. It’s cosmically funny that this is the year of my major transformation for my favourite number.

This year has been nothing short of transformative. By confronting my past, unlearning toxic patterns, and opening myself to new ways of being, I’ve begun to live with greater authenticity and joy. My journey is far from over, but I now approach each day with curiosity, compassion, and a deep trust in the magic of life’s unfolding.